Lesson 2 Practicum; Streetside Sanctuary

It happens nearly every day. We quietly exit the house to have a suit tailored or to join a friend for tea and tennis at the racquet club and are smitten with the awkward sight of a woman of questionable morality (the shoes are always the giveaway) sobbing into her iphone in the middle of the sidewalk. Or how about the peaceful afternoon walk cut mercilessly short by an overly shrill queen bitching about the cost of his latest mani/pedi...on the phone! We are tempted, were it not for our inherent gentlemanly nature, to knock the sashay right out of his limp, exaggerated step. 


How are we to stay connected in this increasingly interconnected world without offending those who share our sidewalk? We stew internally on the questions, "Am I relegated to the confines of my flat when dear mum calls?" And, "Will I still be invited on the next yachting trip to the Cape if I'm seen on my cell?" Do not fret, my handy dandies, there are a few little tricks that allow us to not only accept a call, but enjoy a lively discourse without guilt. Please refer to the following dialogue for acceptable streetside speech.


Caller:  Hello, old chum, long time no chat.


Gentleman:  (Whispering) Hold one moment while I step into this unoccupied nook near, but not directly in the path of, my sidewalk companions.


Caller:  Say, that's very courteous of you.


Gentleman: (In full voice) I aim to please.


A proper curbside chat is only a ring away! But what happens if you are not the offendee, but the offended? How do we gently press those who are not as attuned to gentlemanly behavior; those poor souls who bark relentlessly on the telephone in public? Refer to the exercise below. Note: Caller should affect the dialect of a Hell's Kitchen resident (i.e. outrageously fey).


Caller:  (Exiting American Apparel) Hey bitch! I just got my Gaga tickets!!!! (Punctuation is meant as an indictment, not a seal of approval.)


Gentleman:  Pardon me, young man. May I ask a favor?


Caller:  Hold on... (Jaw unhinged.)


Gentleman:  First, would you kindly abstain from using the word "bitch" unless you are indeed speaking to your pet? Second, you might consider closing your mouth so as to avoid bird droppings, shrapnel, etc. And finally, would you be a gem and step into that unoccupied nook near, but not directly in the path of our sidewalk companions? I should be ever so grateful.


Caller:  I can't even...


Gentleman:  Good day.


Said with a smile and polite firmness we may correct the behavior of the less educated and create a streetside sanctuary. It is a gentleman's duty and privilege! 


The sad sack to the right was clearly not reared to gentlemanly behavior. No doubt his life is in ruins, trapped in the sludge of ignorance and obscurity. One imagines he has just quarreled with his heifer wife over a past-due electric bill. Should he make a turn of course, he might a have chance to redeem his worthless existence. In the meantime he tests the limits of passers-by and the seams of his cheap suit. One can only hope that his cell lands in the bin next to his career, if a career indeed exists. The humanity!


As we have seen, cell phone technology and gentlemen can peacefully coexist. Communication does not have to be a burden if we all add a touch of courtesy to our Verizon plans. So, pick up your cell and call an old friend, but kindly spare us your private conversation!




Yours in Brotherhood,
Oscar Percy