Lesson 2 Practicum; Streetside Sanctuary

It happens nearly every day. We quietly exit the house to have a suit tailored or to join a friend for tea and tennis at the racquet club and are smitten with the awkward sight of a woman of questionable morality (the shoes are always the giveaway) sobbing into her iphone in the middle of the sidewalk. Or how about the peaceful afternoon walk cut mercilessly short by an overly shrill queen bitching about the cost of his latest mani/pedi...on the phone! We are tempted, were it not for our inherent gentlemanly nature, to knock the sashay right out of his limp, exaggerated step. 


How are we to stay connected in this increasingly interconnected world without offending those who share our sidewalk? We stew internally on the questions, "Am I relegated to the confines of my flat when dear mum calls?" And, "Will I still be invited on the next yachting trip to the Cape if I'm seen on my cell?" Do not fret, my handy dandies, there are a few little tricks that allow us to not only accept a call, but enjoy a lively discourse without guilt. Please refer to the following dialogue for acceptable streetside speech.


Caller:  Hello, old chum, long time no chat.


Gentleman:  (Whispering) Hold one moment while I step into this unoccupied nook near, but not directly in the path of, my sidewalk companions.


Caller:  Say, that's very courteous of you.


Gentleman: (In full voice) I aim to please.


A proper curbside chat is only a ring away! But what happens if you are not the offendee, but the offended? How do we gently press those who are not as attuned to gentlemanly behavior; those poor souls who bark relentlessly on the telephone in public? Refer to the exercise below. Note: Caller should affect the dialect of a Hell's Kitchen resident (i.e. outrageously fey).


Caller:  (Exiting American Apparel) Hey bitch! I just got my Gaga tickets!!!! (Punctuation is meant as an indictment, not a seal of approval.)


Gentleman:  Pardon me, young man. May I ask a favor?


Caller:  Hold on... (Jaw unhinged.)


Gentleman:  First, would you kindly abstain from using the word "bitch" unless you are indeed speaking to your pet? Second, you might consider closing your mouth so as to avoid bird droppings, shrapnel, etc. And finally, would you be a gem and step into that unoccupied nook near, but not directly in the path of our sidewalk companions? I should be ever so grateful.


Caller:  I can't even...


Gentleman:  Good day.


Said with a smile and polite firmness we may correct the behavior of the less educated and create a streetside sanctuary. It is a gentleman's duty and privilege! 


The sad sack to the right was clearly not reared to gentlemanly behavior. No doubt his life is in ruins, trapped in the sludge of ignorance and obscurity. One imagines he has just quarreled with his heifer wife over a past-due electric bill. Should he make a turn of course, he might a have chance to redeem his worthless existence. In the meantime he tests the limits of passers-by and the seams of his cheap suit. One can only hope that his cell lands in the bin next to his career, if a career indeed exists. The humanity!


As we have seen, cell phone technology and gentlemen can peacefully coexist. Communication does not have to be a burden if we all add a touch of courtesy to our Verizon plans. So, pick up your cell and call an old friend, but kindly spare us your private conversation!




Yours in Brotherhood,
Oscar Percy

Lesson 2 Practicum; Subway Safehouse

Because cell phones have so pervaded our everyday lives, it's difficult to adhere to proper etiquette without offending someone who may be calling or irritating those nearby. We have been wooled over by the giant orange swaths of AT&T, obliterated by the Verizon army lead by that alarming geek in glasses. They would have us believe that phone calls are appropriate wherever and whenever our minutes allow. Society at large has become confused--we are crossing our signals, both metaphorically and literally. Lesson 2 teaches that there is a time and place for desirable cell phone usage. 


Any cosmopolitan city worth visiting features above-the-ground trains that seem ideal for chatting on the phone. Ideal, that is, unless you are riding next to the person talking. In short, using the phone on a subway is abominable behavior that must be eradicated. Under no circumstance should a gentleman make a call or answer his phone while seated on a train. However, one may use his phone on a subway platform if he is 5-7 meters from the nearest person. Should the train arrive before the conversation finishes, the following exercise will be helpful in remedying the situation. 


Gentleman:  Oh yes, the MOMA exhibit was most thrilling! I wasn't sure whether the nude performers were meant to be titillating or frightening. The ambiguity was genius.

Caller:  MOMA is certainly on my must list this season.

Gentleman:  Oh, I believe the train is coming.

Caller:  But you haven't told me about your weekend in Capri.

Gentleman:  I should so love to tell you all about it, but out of courtesy to the people standing approximately 5-7 meters from here, I simply cannot.

Caller:  But we haven't talked since the Belmont Stakes.

Gentleman:  Goodbye.


Common courtesy becomes effortless with a little practice! Creating a Subway Safehouse, a cell-free train, is most commendable and refreshing. Private matters stay private and public trains stay quiet.

The devil man at left can barely contain the stupidity behind the smile. He may dress sharp, but his manners (and no doubt his wit) are utterly dull. Those around him are certainly not smiling at his despicably oblivious behavior. The man below, however, is a sterling example, perfectly maximizing every cell phone minute in the solitude of his well-appointed home. Who wouldn't be pleased to receive a call from the undoubtedly potent signal emanating from his powerful instrument?
 


Once this exercise is mastered, you may explore a second practicum entitled 'Streetside Sanctuary.'




Yours in Brotherhood,
Oscar Percy

Lesson 2; Cellular Telephone Tantrum, or The Beautiful Verizon

Now that we've mastered the art of tea and coffee consumption, my delicious dandies, it is high time we conquer a most malicious contemporary plague in Lesson 2.


CELLULAR TELEPHONE TANTRUM


There was a time, in the not too distant past, one could peacefully stroll through a park, or shop for handkerchiefs at Bergdorf-Goodman with minimal interruption from passers-by. Unfortunately the golden era of public conversational decorum has come to a sad and abrupt demise with the introduction of cellular telephone technology. It seems that a permanent link between hand, cell and ear has been established by all but the homeless and the amputee. Shouting into the telephone has become commonplace and even acceptable in certain boroughs. Not only that, but conversations which were heretofore private, have become dreadfully and voluminously public. We become unwilling victims of shrieking queens, overly flambouyant Puerto Ricans, and monstrous harping tweens--all who wear their cell phones as a badge of honor, instead of the mark of Cain that it is. Uncouth cell users make us privy to all manner of topics previously relegated to the underbelly of society and the bedroom; from abhorrent quarrels to gibberish in foreign tongues to the ever-popular declaration of paternity. Cell phones have become a goiter on the neck (and ear!) of humanity. 


THE BEAUTIFUL VERIZON


Cellular telephones (iphones included) can be marvelously clever tools that improve communication and, at best, help in stressful situations. Their users, however, seem hellbent on proving the opposite. Their misuse often stifles communication and more often than not causes stress to those in the vicinity. (Please refer to Russell Crowe and Naomi Campbell.) Iphone users often justify their purchase with the false claim that the contraption has internet access. It seems reasonable--that is, until one attempts to retrieve directions, at which point the iphone promptly refuses to work and the user becomes lost having forfeited his natural sense of direction to the palm-held little devil. Curiously the iphone never has a problem working with that so-called "social network" Facebook and it's vulgar bastard cousin, Grindr. (I shudder!) Why is a phone required to be more than a phone? We don't ask our autos to produce a crumpet or expect our tweezers to give us fresh breath. Phones may be used prolifically and politely to make calls in the comfort of your home.

I hereby declare that all cell and iphone users be required to keep their ispats to themselves and be contractually obliged to learn some imanners before entering the public sphere. Apple would do well to create an application called iclass or irestraint for those who can't seem to download common courtesy. Need I even mention the ugly sight of a man-child fondling and obsessing over his iphone in public like a pre-pubescent discovering his genitalia? I think not.


Summary

Gentlemen, if true gentlemen you be, lay down your phones in public. Keep your toys under wraps. Raise your handsome faces from the glare of your iphones and enjoy a friendly nod. Together we may walk harmoniously into the beautiful horizon (read Verizon.)




Yours in Brotherhood,
Oscar Percy

Lesson 1 Practicum; Starbucks Tutorial

If, out of necessity, you are required to enter a Starbucks, there is a specific code of conduct to prevent over-indulgence. Studying the example below will help avoid embarrassing situations and maintain an air of gentlemanly elegance. Find a partner and read the following aloud. (Note: The lesser of the two readers should play the part of the Starbucks employee.)

Employee: Hi, can I get a drink started for you?

Gentleman: If you must.

Employee: What do you want?

Gentleman: What would I like? Well, I would like a sensible coffee.

Employee: What size?

Gentleman: I would like it in a coffee cup, please.

Employee: Tall, Grande, or Venti?

Gentleman: I beg your pardon? I don't quite understand your pseudo-European, falsely colloquial expressions to indicate cup size, but I would like the smallest coffee available, please.

Employee: (blank stare)

Gentleman: I'll take a drop of milk and no sugar, thank you.

Nothing more, nothing less is required. You may leave the store with your head held high and your dignity in tact. Repeat the exercise until it is mastered, after which you may move on to Lesson 2.

                       A far-too-common Starbucks encounter.

Yours in Brotherhood,

Oscar Percy

Lesson 1; The Coffee Epidemic or Tea for Two, Coffee for One

Now that you've artfully skimmed the introduction, my gentlemen in training, it's time to begin our lessons! 


THE COFFEE EPIDEMIC


It is a modern phenomenon that the old tried and true tradition of taking tea has become yet one more casualty on the road to classless oblivion. For centuries, tea has been the gentlemen's beverage of choice, but dubious judgement and fiendish mob mentality have turned tradition to tragedy in the form of that murky catastrophe, coffee. Yes, dear dandies, copious amounts of caffeine have catapulted that bitterest of liquids to the top of every average (and I do mean average) person's list. Coffee, like an extra-marital concubine, was once relegated to the position of after-dinner afterthought. But now, like Tiger Woods and his myriad mistresses (if I may continue the metaphor) coffee is being consumed at all hours of the day and night. Horrific. Or rather, whoriffic (if you will permit me one final pun to drive the point home.)


TEA FOR TWO, COFFEE FOR ONE

If you are addicted to coffee, like so many persons of limp character, there are steps that can be taken to taper one's need for caffeinated indulgences or, at least, to lessen the embarrassment of being seen with a cup. First, a simple down-sizing of the cup itself will do wonders. Don't be fooled by your local Starbucks that a 20 oz. venti (ridiculous!) is normal. It is only normal if your are prone to frenetic outbursts or obesity. One cup, or 8 ounces for those of us with enviable BMI's, is all you need. Second, drink the beverage only in the privacy of your own home or after a fine dinner. The shame of walking down the street with a Starbucks advertisement on your cup (or God help us, Dunkin' Donuts) is something most gentlemen never recover from. Finally, in the name of Elizabeth, Mary, and Diana, eliminate the sugar. Between the sugar, cream, and whipped topping, most coffee nowadays resembles more of a titanic dessert than a drink. A cup of coffee is meant to satiate oneself, not an entire village. 

It is high time we return to high tea! It will be a restoration of order to social gatherings and a boon to stained tooth enamel for the entire nation...or at least to those who care about appearances. Pour your coffee in the gutter where it belongs and raise your fine china teacup to good taste!


SUMMARY


The man above right is dressed to impress, ready for social engagement, and lacks only the pinkie of proper tea etiquette. While I, Oscar Percy, am uneasy about the habit of being photographed in one's unmentionables--I do endorse the man on the left and his choice to drink coffee only in the privacy of his home and heave a breath of admiration for his impeccable example. Thank you, gentlemen!




Yours in Brotherhood,
Oscar Percy

Table of Contents

Volume One

Lesson 1: The Coffee Epidemic, or Tea for Two, Coffee for One

Practicum: Starbucks Tutorial

Lesson 2: Cellular Telephone Tantrum, or The Beautiful Verizon

Practicum: Subway Safehouse

Practicum: Streetside Sanctuary

Lesson 3: Tatoos, Tans and other Skin Grotesquery, or Fair and Balanced

LIST: Maintaining White Supremacy;        
        Helpful Hints

Lesson 4: Oh My God-Awful, or Sacred Speech

LIST: Substitutions for Swearing; Helpful 
        Hints

Lesson 5: PRIDE or Prostitute?, or Self Expression in the post-Speedo Era

Photo Essay of Debauchery, Depravity, and Consequence




Yours in Brotherhood,
Oscar Percy

Introduction

A most hearty greeting to you, my fine reader! While I, Oscar Percy, am pained at the occasion on which I am compelled to write, I am delighted that you have chosen to join me on a path of betterment, modification, and enlightenment. The occasion of which I speak is virtually epidemic in scope and unprecedented in history. It seems that our modern day dandies--once the torch-bearers of art and culture, the envy of all respectable society, the universal examples of all things fine and, well, dandy--have dropped the metaphorical ball where class and distinguished behavior are concerned. Yes, I speak of the homosexuals.

It appears that the pursuit of all things base, low, and vulgar has become commonplace and the well-tread path of our fore-bearers has been erased, nay, eviscerated by an insistent compulsion toward the crude, uncouth traditions of our otherwise respectable heterosexual compatriots. Where once, like a magnificent and polished engine, we pulled the train with our pure, steamy might, now we are the pulled; lost in our stinky and cavernous collective caboose.

The Oscar Percy Rulebook strives to remedy the rude ailments that plague the modern homosexual. By adhering to its precepts one may find joy and pleasure in reclaiming the throne of dignity (if I may), and once again forge a bond with society that will enable this generation to live in harmony with the world at large (I speak of course of the First World, as the Second and Third Worlds are rendered obsolete by their monetary situation.) Or if we are incapable of returning to our former glory amongst the elite of the world, at the very least we may rest on a highly fashionable pedestal near them.

So, let us hoist our ship's sail! Let us once again be considered gentlemen of the highest order.


Yours in Brotherhood,
Oscar Percy