Lesson 2 Practicum; Subway Safehouse

Because cell phones have so pervaded our everyday lives, it's difficult to adhere to proper etiquette without offending someone who may be calling or irritating those nearby. We have been wooled over by the giant orange swaths of AT&T, obliterated by the Verizon army lead by that alarming geek in glasses. They would have us believe that phone calls are appropriate wherever and whenever our minutes allow. Society at large has become confused--we are crossing our signals, both metaphorically and literally. Lesson 2 teaches that there is a time and place for desirable cell phone usage. 


Any cosmopolitan city worth visiting features above-the-ground trains that seem ideal for chatting on the phone. Ideal, that is, unless you are riding next to the person talking. In short, using the phone on a subway is abominable behavior that must be eradicated. Under no circumstance should a gentleman make a call or answer his phone while seated on a train. However, one may use his phone on a subway platform if he is 5-7 meters from the nearest person. Should the train arrive before the conversation finishes, the following exercise will be helpful in remedying the situation. 


Gentleman:  Oh yes, the MOMA exhibit was most thrilling! I wasn't sure whether the nude performers were meant to be titillating or frightening. The ambiguity was genius.

Caller:  MOMA is certainly on my must list this season.

Gentleman:  Oh, I believe the train is coming.

Caller:  But you haven't told me about your weekend in Capri.

Gentleman:  I should so love to tell you all about it, but out of courtesy to the people standing approximately 5-7 meters from here, I simply cannot.

Caller:  But we haven't talked since the Belmont Stakes.

Gentleman:  Goodbye.


Common courtesy becomes effortless with a little practice! Creating a Subway Safehouse, a cell-free train, is most commendable and refreshing. Private matters stay private and public trains stay quiet.

The devil man at left can barely contain the stupidity behind the smile. He may dress sharp, but his manners (and no doubt his wit) are utterly dull. Those around him are certainly not smiling at his despicably oblivious behavior. The man below, however, is a sterling example, perfectly maximizing every cell phone minute in the solitude of his well-appointed home. Who wouldn't be pleased to receive a call from the undoubtedly potent signal emanating from his powerful instrument?
 


Once this exercise is mastered, you may explore a second practicum entitled 'Streetside Sanctuary.'




Yours in Brotherhood,
Oscar Percy

Introduction

A most hearty greeting to you, my fine reader! While I, Oscar Percy, am pained at the occasion on which I am compelled to write, I am delighted that you have chosen to join me on a path of betterment, modification, and enlightenment. The occasion of which I speak is virtually epidemic in scope and unprecedented in history. It seems that our modern day dandies--once the torch-bearers of art and culture, the envy of all respectable society, the universal examples of all things fine and, well, dandy--have dropped the metaphorical ball where class and distinguished behavior are concerned. Yes, I speak of the homosexuals.

It appears that the pursuit of all things base, low, and vulgar has become commonplace and the well-tread path of our fore-bearers has been erased, nay, eviscerated by an insistent compulsion toward the crude, uncouth traditions of our otherwise respectable heterosexual compatriots. Where once, like a magnificent and polished engine, we pulled the train with our pure, steamy might, now we are the pulled; lost in our stinky and cavernous collective caboose.

The Oscar Percy Rulebook strives to remedy the rude ailments that plague the modern homosexual. By adhering to its precepts one may find joy and pleasure in reclaiming the throne of dignity (if I may), and once again forge a bond with society that will enable this generation to live in harmony with the world at large (I speak of course of the First World, as the Second and Third Worlds are rendered obsolete by their monetary situation.) Or if we are incapable of returning to our former glory amongst the elite of the world, at the very least we may rest on a highly fashionable pedestal near them.

So, let us hoist our ship's sail! Let us once again be considered gentlemen of the highest order.


Yours in Brotherhood,
Oscar Percy