Now that we've mastered the art of tea and coffee consumption, my delicious dandies, it is high time we conquer a most malicious contemporary plague in Lesson 2.
CELLULAR TELEPHONE TANTRUM
There was a time, in the not too distant past, one could peacefully stroll through a park, or shop for handkerchiefs at Bergdorf-Goodman with minimal interruption from passers-by. Unfortunately the golden era of public conversational decorum has come to a sad and abrupt demise with the introduction of cellular telephone technology. It seems that a permanent link between hand, cell and ear has been established by all but the homeless and the amputee. Shouting into the telephone has become commonplace and even acceptable in certain boroughs. Not only that, but conversations which were heretofore private, have become dreadfully and voluminously public. We become unwilling victims of shrieking queens, overly flambouyant Puerto Ricans, and monstrous harping tweens--all who wear their cell phones as a badge of honor, instead of the mark of Cain that it is. Uncouth cell users make us privy to all manner of topics previously relegated to the underbelly of society and the bedroom; from abhorrent quarrels to gibberish in foreign tongues to the ever-popular declaration of paternity. Cell phones have become a goiter on the neck (and ear!) of humanity.
THE BEAUTIFUL VERIZON
Cellular telephones (iphones included) can be marvelously clever tools that improve communication and, at best, help in stressful situations. Their users, however, seem hellbent on proving the opposite. Their misuse often stifles communication and more often than not causes stress to those in the vicinity. (Please refer to Russell Crowe and Naomi Campbell.) Iphone users often justify their purchase with the false claim that the contraption has internet access. It seems reasonable--that is, until one attempts to retrieve directions, at which point the iphone promptly refuses to work and the user becomes lost having forfeited his natural sense of direction to the palm-held little devil. Curiously the iphone never has a problem working with that so-called "social network" Facebook and it's vulgar bastard cousin, Grindr. (I shudder!) Why is a phone required to be more than a phone? We don't ask our autos to produce a crumpet or expect our tweezers to give us fresh breath. Phones may be used prolifically and politely to make calls in the comfort of your home.
I hereby declare that all cell and iphone users be required to keep their ispats to themselves and be contractually obliged to learn some imanners before entering the public sphere. Apple would do well to create an application called iclass or irestraint for those who can't seem to download common courtesy. Need I even mention the ugly sight of a man-child fondling and obsessing over his iphone in public like a pre-pubescent discovering his genitalia? I think not.
Summary
Gentlemen, if true gentlemen you be, lay down your phones in public. Keep your toys under wraps. Raise your handsome faces from the glare of your iphones and enjoy a friendly nod. Together we may walk harmoniously into the beautiful horizon (read Verizon.)
Yours in Brotherhood,
Oscar Percy
CELLULAR TELEPHONE TANTRUM
There was a time, in the not too distant past, one could peacefully stroll through a park, or shop for handkerchiefs at Bergdorf-Goodman with minimal interruption from passers-by. Unfortunately the golden era of public conversational decorum has come to a sad and abrupt demise with the introduction of cellular telephone technology. It seems that a permanent link between hand, cell and ear has been established by all but the homeless and the amputee. Shouting into the telephone has become commonplace and even acceptable in certain boroughs. Not only that, but conversations which were heretofore private, have become dreadfully and voluminously public. We become unwilling victims of shrieking queens, overly flambouyant Puerto Ricans, and monstrous harping tweens--all who wear their cell phones as a badge of honor, instead of the mark of Cain that it is. Uncouth cell users make us privy to all manner of topics previously relegated to the underbelly of society and the bedroom; from abhorrent quarrels to gibberish in foreign tongues to the ever-popular declaration of paternity. Cell phones have become a goiter on the neck (and ear!) of humanity. THE BEAUTIFUL VERIZON
Cellular telephones (iphones included) can be marvelously clever tools that improve communication and, at best, help in stressful situations. Their users, however, seem hellbent on proving the opposite. Their misuse often stifles communication and more often than not causes stress to those in the vicinity. (Please refer to Russell Crowe and Naomi Campbell.) Iphone users often justify their purchase with the false claim that the contraption has internet access. It seems reasonable--that is, until one attempts to retrieve directions, at which point the iphone promptly refuses to work and the user becomes lost having forfeited his natural sense of direction to the palm-held little devil. Curiously the iphone never has a problem working with that so-called "social network" Facebook and it's vulgar bastard cousin, Grindr. (I shudder!) Why is a phone required to be more than a phone? We don't ask our autos to produce a crumpet or expect our tweezers to give us fresh breath. Phones may be used prolifically and politely to make calls in the comfort of your home.
I hereby declare that all cell and iphone users be required to keep their ispats to themselves and be contractually obliged to learn some imanners before entering the public sphere. Apple would do well to create an application called iclass or irestraint for those who can't seem to download common courtesy. Need I even mention the ugly sight of a man-child fondling and obsessing over his iphone in public like a pre-pubescent discovering his genitalia? I think not.
SummaryYours in Brotherhood,
Oscar Percy
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