Now that you've artfully skimmed the introduction, my gentlemen in training, it's time to begin our lessons!
THE COFFEE EPIDEMIC
It is a modern phenomenon that the old tried and true tradition of taking tea has become yet one more casualty on the road to classless oblivion. For centuries, tea has been the gentlemen's beverage of choice, but dubious judgement and fiendish mob mentality have turned tradition to tragedy in the form of that murky catastrophe, coffee. Yes, dear dandies, copious amounts of caffeine have catapulted that bitterest of liquids to the top of every average (and I do mean average) person's list. Coffee, like an extra-marital concubine, was once relegated to the position of after-dinner afterthought. But now, like Tiger Woods and his myriad mistresses (if I may continue the metaphor) coffee is being consumed at all hours of the day and night. Horrific. Or rather, whoriffic (if you will permit me one final pun to drive the point home.)
TEA FOR TWO, COFFEE FOR ONE
If you are addicted to coffee, like so many persons of limp character, there are steps that can be taken to taper one's need for caffeinated indulgences or, at least, to lessen the embarrassment of being seen with a cup. First, a simple down-sizing of the cup itself will do wonders. Don't be fooled by your local Starbucks that a 20 oz. venti (ridiculous!) is normal. It is only normal if your are prone to frenetic outbursts or obesity. One cup, or 8 ounces for those of us with enviable BMI's, is all you need. Second, drink the beverage only in the privacy of your own home or after a fine dinner. The shame of walking down the street with a Starbucks advertisement on your cup (or God help us, Dunkin' Donuts) is something most gentlemen never recover from. Finally, in the name of Elizabeth, Mary, and Diana, eliminate the sugar. Between the sugar, cream, and whipped topping, most coffee nowadays resembles more of a titanic dessert than a drink. A cup of coffee is meant to satiate oneself, not an entire village.
It is high time we return to high tea! It will be a restoration of order to social gatherings and a boon to stained tooth enamel for the entire nation...or at least to those who care about appearances. Pour your coffee in the gutter where it belongs and raise your fine china teacup to good taste!
SUMMARY
The man above right is dressed to impress, ready for social engagement, and lacks only the pinkie of proper tea etiquette. While I, Oscar Percy, am uneasy about the habit of being photographed in one's unmentionables--I do endorse the man on the left and his choice to drink coffee only in the privacy of his home and heave a breath of admiration for his impeccable example. Thank you, gentlemen!
Yours in Brotherhood,
Oscar Percy
THE COFFEE EPIDEMIC
It is a modern phenomenon that the old tried and true tradition of taking tea has become yet one more casualty on the road to classless oblivion. For centuries, tea has been the gentlemen's beverage of choice, but dubious judgement and fiendish mob mentality have turned tradition to tragedy in the form of that murky catastrophe, coffee. Yes, dear dandies, copious amounts of caffeine have catapulted that bitterest of liquids to the top of every average (and I do mean average) person's list. Coffee, like an extra-marital concubine, was once relegated to the position of after-dinner afterthought. But now, like Tiger Woods and his myriad mistresses (if I may continue the metaphor) coffee is being consumed at all hours of the day and night. Horrific. Or rather, whoriffic (if you will permit me one final pun to drive the point home.)TEA FOR TWO, COFFEE FOR ONE
It is high time we return to high tea! It will be a restoration of order to social gatherings and a boon to stained tooth enamel for the entire nation...or at least to those who care about appearances. Pour your coffee in the gutter where it belongs and raise your fine china teacup to good taste!
SUMMARY
The man above right is dressed to impress, ready for social engagement, and lacks only the pinkie of proper tea etiquette. While I, Oscar Percy, am uneasy about the habit of being photographed in one's unmentionables--I do endorse the man on the left and his choice to drink coffee only in the privacy of his home and heave a breath of admiration for his impeccable example. Thank you, gentlemen!Yours in Brotherhood,
Oscar Percy
Hilarious. I'd take a sip of his coffee, but only in the privacy of his home or mine--with breakfast.
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